Joke Hamilton One-Shots
by LamsNotLambs
Summary: Rated K for utter nonsense. How this will work is explained in part of the first chapter.
1. Madison

**Heya peoples! This is a joke series, so there's really bad grammar, so it's for a reason. One time when I wrote a joke story I got advice on how to write a real story, so if you want to see a real story, then look at my other works. This will update whenever a new Hamilton character's birthday arrives. (It will be about that character, but not always about their birthdays)**

* * *

"Hey tomcat." Madison asked

"Yah" Jefferson was like

So that made medicine all like "use proper English when you talk to me it is no nice to talk that way. your secret girlfriend Alexander hammy would want you to use proper ingles **(A/N: Ingles is Spanish for English)**."

So tommy got all defensive like "boi, ham is my secret boyfriend not girlfriend don't tell Madison okee?"

And Madison was all like "okee your secrets safe with me"

And tomcat was like "I love you" and he made out with him and poopy.

so mad hatter was like "love you too i know you would never leave me for someone else"

And Jeffy fell asleep with his mouth still superglued to medicines or something like that.

But before the story could end medicine was all like "wait tomcat I can't breath when your mouth is glued to mine"

So before the fourth wall could heal itself tommy said "it's an alternate universe so just breathe threw your gluteus Maximus or whatevs. And btw it's breathe not breath stop triggering me or I'll cheat on you."

And medicine was all like "you ill take yo Madison." And he gave him a pill in the shape of his face.

"The (anticlimactic) end." Jeff said

But at the last minute mads said "how can I speak in parentheses teach moi your ways"

And I think Jeff said "since when did you speak italian" but I couldn't hear from here so *shrug*


	2. Maria

**Just an interesting thing that happened 2day, Probably worth reading: During band, my music teacher had an alto saxophone, but instead of curvaceous *cough in background* it was straight, so one kid said, "If this is straight, does that mean all of the other saxophones are gay?"**

 **Just a story. Thank you for your time. Now time for your story. (that took me about 5-10 minutes to write? that okay?)**

* * *

I took a deep breath, and knocked.

* * *

"I know, you are a man of honor, I'm so sorry to bother you at home, but I don't know where to go, and I came here all alone,"

I said:

"My husband's doin' me wrong," I winced, even though nothing was happening to me, "Beatin' me, cheatin' me, mistreatin' me,"

I walked closer to Hamilton.

"Suddenly he's up and gone, I don't have the means to go on,"

Hamilton stuffed a hand into his pocket and handed me $30. He opened his door, I thought he was going to make me leave, but he offered to walk me home.

When we arrived at my empty house, I said, "You're too kind sir," I winked and then continued, taking his arm, "This one's mine sir,"

I led him to mah bed let mah legz spread and said, "Stay?"

And he was all flirty with his voice dropping an octave like, "Hey,"

"Hey," I replied, shooting finger guns at him.

* * *

 _Shoot_ _-wait, that's ironic, nevermind._

"Um-Sir, I-I didn't- What happened!" I cried, rushing over to him.

Blood was gushing from his side, and I could just _make out_ **(a/n: haha get it)** my finger that I shot at him wedged into his abdomen.

"CALL 9-1-1!" Hamilton shouted, despite the major pain he was in.

"Uh-yeah!" That's probably a good idea.

"Wait- what's the number again?" I asked.

Hamilton face-palmed and slithered all the way to the door.

"Hasta la vista, baby," He said, slithering out the door.

... The last thing I could manage to mumble before he closed the door was, "This isn't slitherio."

* * *

 **Okay I'm sorry about how trashy this is but... \\_(u_u)_/**

 **I've been sick for a few days and my homework was just BLECCCHHHH, so I just wrote this in about 5 minutes? Okay? Wait it's not okay? IT BETTER BE OKEEE? But yes part of this being trashy is because I'm lazy, so sorry.**


	3. Jefferson

**Note: This is written in my perspective. I'm basically the one telling you what's happening, but I'm not a character in the story.**

 **WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. I, NOR THOMAS JEFFERSON IS RESPONSIBLE FOR CERTAIN DEATH.**

* * *

After "studying" for several hours, Thomas was sure he was ready. He mustn't be the only one who ships himself and Hamilton, so he figured: It's time to make things canon.

If you asked Thomas if you could see his computer search history, he will quickly push you away from that idea. No, nothing "suggestive", just lots of information about boxes. You see, shipping is hard. No, not fandom shipping, we're going back to before that existed. We're going back to the distant future of when people _mailed_ things.

* * *

Thomas was sure he had everything he needed. Madison/Back-up? Check. Cheese Doodles? Check, it's what every YouTuber brought with them when they did the "I SHIP MYSELF" videos. A bottle of wine? Check. What? He was supposed to stay sober while in a box in a mailman's van? Entertainment? Check, his Game Boy. What? You don't know what that is? Kids these days, just look it up. Roses? Check.

This is everything. Oh- you're wondering what the roses are for? Well, this is how Thomas wants it to go:

 _Step 1: Get in box, have James Medicine tape it shut._

 _Step 2: Make sure all items are in box._

 _Step 3: Have Medicine bring me to mail place, make mail people ship me today- Hamilton only lives 20 minutes away from my house, it shouldn't take long._

 _Step 4: Live off of items._

 _Step 5: Arrive at Hammy's house._

 _Step 6: Hammy opens box._

 _Step 7: Pick up roses and say, "Hey Alexander, I just want you to know, I ship us,"_

 _Step 8: Make out with Ham._

A solid plan, in my opinion.

* * *

Turns out, that plan was just about as solid as Jefferson's wine.

 **Step 1:**

"Jimmy Jem, I can't fit in the box!" Jefferson whined.

"Yes you can," Madison mumbled, pushing Jefferson. Thomas fell into the box, crushing at least 5 Cheese Doodles.

"Goodbye!" Madison chirped, duct taping the box shut.

 **Step 2:**

"MADISON!" Thomas screeched, pounding on the box. "I FORGOT THE WINE!"

"Wow, I really thought you could stay sober," Madison said, shaking his head. He picked off the tape on the box, passed the wine bottle in, and taped the box shut again.

 **Step 3:**

Everything seemed to go smoothly. Although, Madison dropped Jefferson a few times.

 **Step 4:**

Now, you would've thought living off of a Game Boy, a bottle of wine, and Cheese Doodles would've been easy, but GOD, IT WASN'T. Jefferson had already finished the wine, but he might've gotten a bit too drunk and smashed the bottle against the side of the box. Let's just say, he has several injuries from the shards of glass. Luckily, Jefferson got to Hamilton's house in under an hour, so he had a few Cheese Doodles leftover when he arrived.

 **Step 5:**

After sitting on Hamilton's doorstep for what seemed like hours, Thomas was _finally_ picked up and brought into Hamilton's house.

 **Step 6:**

Wait a minute, Jefferson just heard a voice, but it wasn't Hamilton's. "Alex, this box is for you!" the voice had said. But Jefferson's heart shattered when he heard the response. "Be there in a sec, love!" which had come from none other than Hamilton.

As Jefferson sat in the box, on a verge of tears, he heard Hamilton say, "Laurens, hon, where's the knife? I need to cut this open."

"Um, in the kitchen cupboard like always," Laurens replied.

"Oh, um, I can reach that," Hamilton replied with a laugh.

"Of course you can't, lazy," Jefferson then heard footsteps, which he only assumed was Laurens walking over and getting the knife.

* * *

 **~LAURENS'S POV~  
** I closed the cupboard door and stuck my tongue out at Alexander, joking that I could reach the knives and he couldn't.

We walked over to the box, and I slowly started cutting a slit in it, until-

"AH!" A voice shrieked.

"AH!" I screeched.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!" Alex screamed, ripping the knife out of my hand.

* * *

 **~JEFFERSON'S POV~  
**

"AH!" I shrieked, feeling a knife cut against my arm.

 _Oh god, oh hell no. This can't be happening. Why didn't YouTube warn me about this?_

The cut was several inches long, and blood was spilling out rapidly. I started to feel woozy. I felt another cut appear on my leg as I dropped out of consciousness.

* * *

 **~HAMILTON'S POV~  
** I continuously stabbed the box, praying that I was destroying whatever monster was in there.

"I think it's safe," I muttered to Laurens, slowly opening the box.

"..." Laurens said.

"What, Laurens, why did you just say 'Dot, dot, dot,'?" I asked.

"BECAUSE JEFFERSON'S DEAD BODY IS IN HERE, THAT'S WHY!" He shouted at me.

"Well, I can see that," I mumbled. Then I said, louder, "Are we going to be faced criminal charges?"

"I don't think so," Laurens replied after thinking for a few seconds.

"Do you think it's safe to eat those 6 Cheetos?" I asked.

"Now don't go saying I'm a bad boyfriend, but yes," Laurens replied, grabbing a Cheeto and stuffing it in his mouth. "Hmm," He said after chewing for a few seconds. "This tastes like Sam Adams."

I reached over and shoveled a Cheeto in my mouth, and then spitting it out, "EW, OH MY GOD YOU WERE RIGHT IT'S A SAM ADAMS CHEETO! I HATE SAM ADAMS!"

"It's okay," Laurens said, pulling me over and petting my hair.

"No, it's not okay," I replied, showing big puppy dog eyes.

"Yes it is, we just killed Thomas Jefferson and everything's gonna work out just fine," He said, kissing me.

"Okay," I smiled, crawling into Laurens's lap.

 **Step 7:**

I looked at the roses in the box, thought of my worst pick-up line, and looked at Laurens. "Hey, Laurens, I just want you to know, I ship us," I said, offering him the roses.

 **Step 8:**

"I know," Laurens said to me, then kissing me.

* * *

 **Next birthday: King George III, June 4th**

 **If there is a birthday sooner than that please tell me!**

 **Also, today, for Jefferson's birthday, I painted my nails (lol, I don't have the effort to do that my friend painted them) and they're a bright sparkly purple and it's so awesome. I'm also wearing a purple shirt, a ruffly, dark purple skirt, a dark purple, lace vest, and a purple headband with an _extravagant_ glittery and purple flower on it. I also have a purple tiger print bracelet, and a bright, sparkly purple slap bracelet (because why not). And then there's a green ring on my finger with eyeballs, and I'm saying that Madison got it for me as an engagement ring, but I also pretend that it's Hamilton and I'm making (and winning) arguments with him.**


	4. (King) George

**Sorry for this being so late! I really don't have an excuse. Procrastination occured. Thanks for being so patient. Next birthday: August 9th, Eliza**

 **Also, read Sons of Libertea on ao3 if you haven't already. This references it, but you don't need to understand the references to understand the chapter.**

* * *

Roo-doo-doo-doo, just taking a sip of my iced tea, roo-doo-doo-doo, totally inconspicuous, roo-doo-doo-doo, just chilling at the local Sons of Libertea.

I checked my watch. It read 6:66. Time for the plan to begin. I shared a glance with Sammy the Sealbury from across the room. We nodded and got out of our seats to make our way up to the counter.

"So, Alexander," I began, addressing the barista.

"We've heard," Sammy the Sealbury continued, placing his fins on the countertop.

"That you"

"Have a"

"Boyfriend now."

"Which means"

"That your"

"Relationship status"

"Is no"

"Longer single."

"We just"

"Wanted to"

"Inform you"

"That you"

"Are not"

"Welcome in"

"The No"

"Longer Single"

"& Eff Off"

"I'm Currently"

"Already Mingling"

"Club. As"

"A happy"

"Couple, you"

"Should know"

"That -BTW"

"This is"

"Coming from"

"Experts- we"

"Truly care"

"About your"

"Emotions towards"

"John Laurens"

"And it"

"Is OK"

"To be"

"GAY!" Sammy the Sealbury and George cried together.

Alexander gave the pair a look of horror and called John over from the break room, where he just finished watching Hercules fail to catch a Pikkachu on Pokémon Go!™.

"John," Alexander said with a pout on his face. "These boys are scaring my young adolescent mind."

John gave a confused look at his 21-year old boyfriend and said to George and Sammy the Sealbury, "Bye-bye!"

John jumped over the counter to shove the couple out the door, leaping in the air to hit the Sons of Libertea flag hanging above the entrance.


	5. Theodosia Jr

**Surprise! I'm doing a chapter for Theodosia Jr.'s birthday, which is today! I'm trying to make up for King George's chapter being late, so I hope that you guys enjoy this! I hope you also enjoy the Philidosia! (i ship it) (i ship it so freakin' hard) (almost as hard as i ship lams) (almost). Also, I reccomend listening to the workshop version of Schuyler Defeated, since this song is based off of it and is much more funny if you've heard the song.**

* * *

"Look! You in da papuh daddyyyyyy."" 4-year old Theodosia shouted, glancing at the newspaper on the table. She started to read the headline, "'War,' war is not a good thing daddyyyyyy, 'Hewo, Phiwip Schuywuh in danguh of losing Seen ate seat to young up start..." Theo gasped, even though she had already read this, "AAWON BUH!1!1!1"

Burr grinned at his daughter, leaning farther back in his reclining chair and informed his daughter that he was running for senator against Philip Schuyler.

"Phiwip?" Theo asked, "Is Phiwip da one with da pOOFY hair?" Theo giggled and made explosions with her hands, pretending that they were Phiwip Hamilton's hair.

"No," Burr replied, "That's Alexander Hamilton's son. Philip Schuyler is 'Phiwip Hamilton's' grandpop."

"OHHHHH!" Theo replied, now mostly getting the concept. "But den Phiwip might wooze his seat in da seen ate."

"Sometimes that's how it goes, and I'll be the senator, anyways. Don't you want daddy to be the senator?" Burr plopped Theo onto his lap when he said this.

"No," Theo said, as simply as that.

Surprise, anger, and confusion all flashed across Burr's face at the exact same time. "Well, I gotta go downtown and meet some people. Do you want to come with me, Theo?"

Theo quickly nodded her head, and the nods soon turned into vigorous jiggle.

"We'll let everybody know that they should be on my side," Burr muttered to himself as he and Theo made their way to the door.

After walking away from the house for about 30 seconds, Burr realized that he forgot to lock the front door. He sprinted back in record time and "locked" the door with his car keys.

He caught back up with Theo as they continued their stroll downtown.

Burr started realizing that Alexander would take him running against his father-in-law as a personal slander. "C'mon, Theo," Burr said to his daughter, "Let's speed up. I need to stop a homicide. That I might be part of."

"OH!" Theo shouted in a surprised voice. She didn't yet know what homicide was, but she could tell it wasn't a good thing based off of her father's tone. "Let'th wook awound, we'll wook awound."

"Let's go and find my closest friend in New York!"

* * *

"bURR!" Hamilton screeched, storming his way up to the man he had just barely seen through the thick crowds. "Since when were you a Democratic-Republican?"

"Since being one put me on the up and uP again!" Burr's voice cracked when he said "up" the second time.

But Theodosia wasn't focusing on her father's bickering, she was focused on the boy next to Hamilton's side, who looked around her age.

It was none other than Phiwip Hamilton.

"No one knows who you are, or what you do."

"They don't need to know me, they don't like you," As Burr grinned while saying this, Phiwip Hamilton had an infuriated look on his face, like he was ready to commit some homicide.

 **"eXCUSEZ MOI?"** Hamilton shrieked. Now, Alexander, it's not that he hated Burr, or even strongly disliked him, no. It's just that he had a burning passion that Burr would be stranded in the middle of a desert with no water and a bunch of cobras surrounding him who were chucking cacti at Burr.

Phiwip Hamilton's hair flowing in the wind filled Theo with DETEMMIENATION.

Theodosia realizes she missed a bit of dialogue when she hears Hamilton say, "I've always considered you a friend."

"I don't see why that has to end, the senate seat was up for grabs and I took it. It's not my fault people think you're crooked." Burr replied curtly.

Theodosia diverted her attention back to Phiwip Hamilton, who was closely watching Hamilton and Burr's conversation. Theo was dropped out of her entranced state of mind when Eliza came running through the crowd up to them. Burr shut up and pulled Theo closer to him, while Alexander did the same with his child.

"Alexander there you are," She said with what looked like a forced smile.

"Eliza," Alexander said in a tone that sounded a lot like how Eliza had said her name on track number 5 of 46 of the original Broadway cast recording Hamilton soundtrack, The Schuyler Sisters.

"You forgot your papers," Eliza handed Alexander a single sheet of paper reading, "you've been played," she then continued her dialogue, "Mr. Burr good sir, it's been so long. How is Theodosia squared?"

Theo waved her hand obnoxiously, but Eliza still didn't seem to notice her existence.

"As a matter of fact, my wife has taken ill," Burr replied, frowning.

"I'm not surprised, what with the chill. Please send her our regards."

"I will."

"And how's your daughter?"

Theodosia got tired of Eliza not noticing her, so she said, "I'm his pride and joy, fluent in French AND Latin."

"So am I!" Phiwip Hamilton replied with a slight blush on his cheeks.

"She's the same age as your boy!" Phiwip Hamilton's face was now complete engulfed in red, and he was hiding an embarrassed smile behind his curly hair.

"Yeah, one day he'll run Manhattan," Alexander muttered, shoving Phiwip Hamilton away from the Burrs.

"We must be going, Burr, but send your girls are love!" Eliza said happily.

As Theo said, "Still here," Burr replied to Eliza, "Nice to meet your son."

"wE'RE NOT **DONE,** mr. bURR, SIR." Alexander shouted, unknowingly shoving Phiwip Hamilton into the sea of random people around them. A quiet, "Ah!" escaped Phiwip Hamilton's mouth as he stiffly fell backwards like a wooden plank.

"If I were you I'd stick with her, sir," Burr said, stalking off, grabbing Theo's hand in his own.

* * *

 **If you haven't been able to tell by now, this is chapter is heavily based off of the workshop version of Schuyler Defeated.**

 **For real this time, the next chapter will be Eliza's birthday on August 9th.**


	6. Eliza

The Squad Plus Burr and Theo were relaxing in Alex and Laf's dorm. Alexander Hamilton laid on the floor, taking up as much space as possible. His boyfriend, John Laurens sat on the bean bag chair next to him. Hercules Mulligan sat on a chair near them with his boyfriend, Lafayette, dramatically draped over his lap. Aaron Burr sat on the ground next to his girlfriend, Theodosia Alston. Maria and Eliza cuddled near the fire, and Peggy and Angelica embraced their status of being single and sat alone.

For once, everything was at peace, just relaxing in Alexander and Lafayette's dorm room. Until Jefferson came along with Madison.

Thomas Jefferson slammed the dorm room door down with an ax while holding Madison's hand, who was right behind him. "THE FLOOR IS HETEROSEXUALITY!" Thomas shouted.

"AHHHHH!" The Squad Plus Burr and Theo all shrieked in unison, but Burr and Theo only screamed because Jefferson startled them. Eliza jumped onto a table like a cat, and Maria tried to climb on with her, but she slipped into the lava.

"NOOOO!" Eliza yelled.

"Before I go, I need to ask you a few questions because the author had a really lame joke that she wants to tell," Maria said, frightened.

After a few second songs of hesitation, Elizabeth replied, "Anything you want to tell me."

"Will you remember me in a month?"

"Of course I will!"

"Will you remember me in a week?"

"Yes, definitely."

"Will you remember me in a day?"

"Yes, why are you asking?"

"Knock knock?"

After giving a confused expression to Maria, Eliza said, "Who's there?"

"See? You forgot me already," Maria muttered as she fell deeper into the lava.

Eliza gasped and jumped in the lava, pulling Maria onto her table. "Stay with me, Maria Lewis!" She cried, shaking her girlfriend's body, but to no avail.

Meanwhile, John and Alex had jumped on top of Hercules and Lafayette, who were curled up in a ball on their chair. Peggy crawled up Angelica's body and onto her shoulders, while Angelica hauled herself onto the top of the piano, Peggy still sitting on top of her. Burr and Theo were acting like nothing was happening, and they were the only ones who noticed that Jefferson and Madison left the room, kindly locking the door behind them.

While Eliza was sobbing on the table, John shouted, "Help! Only a true heterosexual can save us! Burr! Theo! Say that the floor isn't lava anymore!"

Burr smirked and simply stated, "No."

Everybody else gasped, even Theo. Nobody was expecting Burr to be so pushy.

"Excusez-moi?" Lafayette screeched after a few moments of silence.

"Alright gays- I mean, guys, the floor is no longer heterosexuality." Theo declared.

Nobody moved. Alex informed her, "Burr also has to say it too, it isn't real emotion if only one out of the two heteros say it."

"Fine, the floor is no longer heterosexuality," Burr said, sighing, "but I only say that because Maria is... 'dead.'"

"Ahh," John, Alex, Herc, and Laf sighed together, letting out a long breath.

"Maria's still dead!" Eliza cried, bawling her eyes out.

After a few seconds of silence, Maria lifted her head.

"Oh, the good Lord sent me back!" Maria exclaimed, "There I was, at the pearly gates, and St. Peter SAID TO **ME!** " Maria pointed at herself as she said, "me." She continued her speech, "Oh, Maria! There are some fool friends who are _lost_ without you!" Maria clutched her hand to her heart.

Eliza was very annoyed. She did that same thing to Maria many times when she was angry with her. Eliza would just pretend to lay down and die, and Maria always believed that she was dead, even if she knew it couldn't be possible.

"Did... uh... mm. Did you, did you just fake die from burning?" Eliza muttered.

Maria smirked and winked at the others, "Gotcha."

"Alright, okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I got a taste of my own medicine. Yeah. I will never do that again, that did not feel good."

"Damn straight."

"None of us are straight," Lafayette mumbled from across the room, most likely unaware that Burr and Theo were there.

"It's a Christmas miracle!" Herc shouted between laughter.

Everybody looked out the window to see the hot sun beating down on the grass for the warm Summer day.

That day truly was a Christmas miracle.

* * *

 **Next Birthday: September 6th, Lafayette. (I promise that n the end of September and beginning of October there won't be a big gap between the fics. There's literally like, 3 birthdays in a bit over a week)**


	7. Lafayette, the French Baguette

A couple of weeks ago, Thomas Jefferson bit Lafayette's nose. Lafayette originally questions Thomas'... _peculiar_ behavior, but he simply decided, it's just Thomas being a Thom-ass. Which happened a lot. However, Lafayette had started to establish a... _different_ way of life subsequent to getting bitten.

"Dude, you haven't gone outside in a while," Hercules had said to Laf, noticing his out of the norm actions.

"Yeah, last time I went out I got this wicked sunburn," Laf had responded.

Hercules opened his mouth to reply but then closed it, realizing that it was he was about to say was _probably_ racist in some way.

Another incident had happened when Laf was up way late at night, watching tv. Unfortunately, he woke his only roommate, John Laurens.

"Are you still up?" John grumbled, exasperated.

Lafayette jumped at the noise and turned around, raising his hands like a claw, but turned back to normal after realizing it was just John. "Yeah, I just started binge-watching this Netflix show."

John groaned and replied, "Just use the headphones," before stumbling out of the room.

On a separate occasion, Lafayette had tried to cook him and John dinner, which he was normally pretty good at, but when he touched the garlic, he got a serious burn on his hand and Lafayette should've gone to the hospital, but, luckily, John was minoring in some sort of medical shit at King's College so he was able to fix Lafayette's hand for the time being.

And one time, Alex had gotten a paper cut while in Lafayette and John's dorm, which happened a lot, but this time it was different. Lafayette was instantly lured to Alexander like how Maria was at one poi- wait, that was a long time ago, all is forgiven, let's drop it. But anyway, **(a/n: we're getting better everyday (haha ignore this))** Lafayette kept trying to take Alexander's hand, but Alex responded with:

"Laf! You know I'm in a relationship! Sorry, but I don't want to hold your hand! Ugh, stop, Laf!" Alex realized Laf's true intentions and backed up as far as he could into his spinny chair (which was a gift from Thomas Jefferson, but Alex refuses to let him see that he's kept the chair) "OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU ABOUT TO DRINK MY BLOO- **JOHN, HELP ME!"**

John tried to get Lafayette to stop in many different ways, such as throwing 6 Rubik's cubes at him, stabbing him with the leg of a chair, throwing some glitter on him, but what worked was him chucking a piece of garlic at him.

"Ow! Dude! You know I'm allergic to garlic!" Lafayette screeched, feeling a harsh burn appear on his face.

"Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette, we need to talk," John stated, "Please take a seat."

Laf slowly sat down, with a whimpering Alex curled up in a ball on his spinny chair a few feet next to him. John squatted down on the floor next to his friend and spoke.

"You've been having some abnormal behavior, Lafayette." John said.

"John, you know he's already gone through puberty, he's 19," Alex piped up.

John glared at Alex and continued, "Lafayette, do you know what this could mean?"

Laf sighed and replied, "I tried googling these symptoms but all that showed up was some vampire shit."

"Wait, wait, guys," Alex squealed, "This is the perfect moment to making a Lightning Thief Musical reference!"

Seeing that nobody argued against that, he sang, "My best friend was acting strange... at which he so excelled."

Lafayette said, "Hey! I don't excel at being strange!" While John said, "You really need to work on your singing voice."

Alex frowned at the responses and curled back up into his ball.

John continued, "Lafayette, this might sound really weird, but I think you might actually be a va-"

"OH!" Alex said, thinking he understood, "Of course, Laf is turning into a vambrace! You know, the piece of armor that you put on your forearm!"

"Huh?" John questioned, before realizing that he should just ignore Alex... for now. "Laf, I think that you're turning into a vampire. Like, no joke. A vampire."

After an odd 66.6 seconds - not like anybody was counting -, Alex and Lafayette burst into laughter.

John screeched a screech and threw garlic at Lafayette, shining a bright light at him and shoving a cup of blood in Laf's face. Not like he always had a cup of blood handy, haha... nope... just plain old John... plain old, non-blood carrying John... your old buddy chum pal friend amigo John...

But anyway, **(a/n: we're getting better everyday (im sorry im not gonna do it again))** Lafayette had done exactly what John had expected him to do... but John, he didn't exactly the realize the consequences of what would happen. Because of the light, Lafayette shriveled up into dust.

"..." John said.

"..." Alex said.

"hahaha" Thomas Jefferson, the vampire, said from the corner of the room, disguised as a bat.

* * *

 **Just a question to you guys: Do you enjoy the stories like the ones at the beginning or ones like this one. (Basically do you like the horrible grammar and making no sense but still kinda funny or good grammar for the most part, an actual plot, and making as much sense as it could possibly get)**


	8. (And) Peggy

**Disclaimer: Honda Civic is not a sponsor of this or any of my other chapters in any other stories.**

 **Second Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure that this is the only Tire AU out there, so if there already is one, I have not stolen the idea.**

* * *

Being the third wheel is not fun. My sisters are always like, "Oh, this car is two-wheel drive!" and then they forget about me. And the fourth wheel, but the fourth wheel doesn't talk much.

You see, living on the bottom of a Honda Civic isn't fun. Angelica and Eliza always get to be the wheels in the front. They experience things before I do, they get the thrill of being able to live life.

"Oh my god, Eliza!" Angelica joyfully screeched, "We get to ride over another speed bump!"

"Yay!" Eliza cheered, "I love those, they always itch the scratches I get on the back of my tire!"

I mentally groaned. _You see?_ They always spoil everything good for me, but if there's something bad, I get no warning.

For example, that one time when Eliza and Angelica saw a trash bag in the middle of the street, they were able to brace themselves for the impact, but I had no idea of what was happening and almost got suffocated from the bag! Luckily, I was able to roll it off, but it was stuck on me for a good ten seconds and I literally saw my life flash before my eyes. I got pretty dizzy when I saw that.

But one day, Angelica and Eliza actually talked to me!

"Peggy, you're awfully quiet!"

"I know, I'm just busy thinking about life."

"Oh yeah?" That was Angelica's voice, "What about life?"

I hesitated before truthfully responding, "I'm thinking about puns."

"...Puns?"

Oh, I forgot to mention, I was way ahead of my time. I was the only wheel who understood that we were tires on a road in a car and all of that stuff. Angelica, Eliza, and the Fourth Wheel all don't exactly know what's happening. We live in the early 1800's, but I have a mind like I'm from 3013 or something!

"Oh, uh, just witty jokes."

"Ah," Eliza said, "I'm bad at thinking of those."

"Eliza, come on," I groaned, "You're being boring. The readers of this fanfiction are getting uninterested."

"Well, I'm sorry, but you need to get used to being the Third Wheel!"

"Oh, I love being the Third Wheel. It's so fun. This isn't sarcasm, no. Definitely not."

Angelica scoffed and Eliza stayed silent, signaling that the conversation was over.

I muttered, "If only things could actually be interesting for once."

I guess my wish came true.

"Actually, I think that I am qUITE interesting, if I say so myself," A mug voice, who I realized must've belonged to the Fourth Wheel. "Thomas Jefferson, not at your service. Boy, it sure is nice to finally be free from that awful curse!"

"Curse?" I asked, "What curse?"

"Oh? Don't you know?" Thomas asked. I shook my head. "Well, all of us Fourth Wheels have to sit and watch the other Wheels bicker, but when one of the wheels finally says something where the Fourth Wheel could be useful, we're finally able to talk again! It's annoying that we have to listen to you wheels for so long."

I decided that I didn't like Thomas. I strained my tire-muscles so that a bolt would slowly roll out of my tire. Just as it was about to escape me, I shook as much as I could and sent the bolt flying at Thomas, who didn't even have time to speak before the bolt hit him where it hurts and he lost all of his air. The Honda Civic slowly came to a stop as Thomas stopped moving, and he was never seen again.

* * *

 **I'm sorry that this was insanely boring! I had major writer's block and couldn't think of anything!**


End file.
